Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.