Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child