HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest