I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol