COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
road rage
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?