UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
You Might Also Like
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
yeah 😭
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]