Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.