me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My kid can鈥檛 eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If you鈥檙e 25 please stop saying you鈥檙e tired. I have bananas older than you.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he鈥檚 not on the menu
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Car Salesman: We鈥檒l give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I鈥檓 going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there鈥檚 at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
courtroom exchange of the day
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 馃槀
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn鈥檛 want a second date
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.