The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Brilliant!
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.