My fortune cookie fortune:
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”