Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
“i miss shittin on people”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up