A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805