“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
shit, they caught us—run!!!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*