ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
You better watch out
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself