Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.