It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
You Might Also Like
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.