ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
philosophical skeletons be like
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today