I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
You Might Also Like
I like long walks away from everyone
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.