If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now