“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
A small tragedy.