Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
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[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears