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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.