My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Finally! 😈
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
#Thanos #MondayMood
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send