Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”