What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god