Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son