Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*