{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
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inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..