*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director