Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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The Joker was right
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?