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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.