My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.