Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
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Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
This meal prepping shit is easy
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!