[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[montage of me giving-up]
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My apartment is a mess, I should move