*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri