Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.