Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me