[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
You Might Also Like
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.