Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can鈥檛 figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Don鈥檛 put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 馃ぃ
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that鈥檚 not my name and I think you鈥檝e had enough.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”