Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”