My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant