Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Sooo many times…..
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.