A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
me and the Superbowl rn
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Mountain Goat : )
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.