youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.