Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.