my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
at ease…shoulder.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?