I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
being a writer on Twitter:
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode