me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.