Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.