When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My time has come.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.